WHY I LIKE TO WRITE BULLSHIT HEADLINES
By A Deeply Disturbed Individual
There’s rot in me. Not metaphorical, not poetic—something’s genuinely wrong. I don’t say that for pity. I say it because you need to understand what kind of person wakes up at 3 a.m., covered in sweat, to write a headline like:
“You’ll Never Guess What This Dead Cat Taught a Billionaire About Love.”
REPORT: NOTHING YOU DO WILL EVER MATTER
A new report confirms what many of us have long feared: your every action is utterly inconsequential and devoid of meaning.
LOCAL MAN SEARCHES FOR GOD, FINDS ONLY DESPAIR
Hoping for divine revelation, he instead discovered a yawning abyss of existential dread.
12 INSANE WAYS TO RUIN YOUR LIFE ON PURPOSE
For those who approach every day with a relentless sense of doom, here are twelve guaranteed methods to accelerate your collapse.